ROMNEY TO APPOINT SCALIA AS ATTORNEY GENERAL

BOSTON — Eric Fehrnstrom, presumptuous Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's chief operative, has disclosed Romney's future appointments to his Justice Department and the Supreme Court to a solitary reporter.

“President Romney's Attorney General will be Antonin Scalia, with Clarence Thomas to head the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division.”

“His Solicitor General will be Samuel Alito, who will argue all the Romney Administration's cases before the Supreme Court. Mr. Alito will also vet the Romney Administration's judicial nominees.”

"John Roberts,” Fehrnstrom continued, “now considered a traitor to the Conservative Cause, will be named Ambassador to Malta, as a nod to his halting but unsuccessful efforts to dismantle the Obama presidency. This is convenient, because Roberts is now vacationing in Malta while pretending to teach constitutional law there. We also plan to award the Maltese Falcon to Roberts once he presents his diplomatic credentials over there.”

“We are going to replace Roberts as Chief Justice with Michele Bachmann, with Newt Gingrich (even though he is not a lawyer, because you don't need to be a lawyer to be on the Supreme Court) replacing Scalia, and Arturo Gonzales, President Bush's Attorney General, replacing Clarence Thomas.”

“By promising to appoint Michele Bachmann as Chief Justice, we are sure to get the women's vote.”

“We haven't figured out what to do with Justice Kennedy, but, for now, we think we'll just keep him on the Court.”

After the solitary reporter released Fehrnstrom's confidential information to WikiLeaks, Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, initially denied the report, but, within an hour, Romney confirmed it, saying, “We were about to fire Fehrnstrom, but he has now redeemed himself, and all those appointments are firmly in place once we take over in January.”