ECUADOR INVADES THE UNITED STATES

WASHINGTON — In a frantic call to President Obama, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta informed the president moments ago that Ecuador has invaded the United States, following provocative remarks by Ecuadorian Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino directed against Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, following the decision by Ecuador to grant political asylum to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Assange has been holed up in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London since August 16, amid unconfirmed reports that Queen Elizabeth II might, with the assistance of her renowned Beefeaters, storm the Ecuadorian Embassy and personally escort him to Sweden, which would then promptly ship the Australian Supertroublemaker to the United States, where he would be spanked by President Obama for every instance of leaks which have damaged the security of the United States.

The invasion, led by Ecuador's President, Rafael Carrera, who has frequently clashed with the United States, began in Brownsville, Texas, a border town between the Lone Star State and Matamoros, Mexico. The invasion was initially repulsed by Texas Gov. Rick Perry and his Texas Rangers. However, Perry, embarrassed that he could not remember the name of the US Defense Department, or its Secretary, panicked, but he did remember how to reach Bush Two, who made the critical call to Panetta. Obama, worried about his reelection prospects, ordered Panetta to conduct surgical strikes against Quito, the Ecuadorian capital, which prompted presumptuous Republican nominee Mitt Romney to declare on the campaign trail that Obama should have prevented the crisis by previously ordering the CIA to capture Assange and waterboard him at the underground basketball court at the White House.

Reached for comment by a solitary reporter, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was nonplussed, saying, “There's nothing unusual in all this; we have crises around here all the time.”