ROMNEY'S ELABORATE NEW HAMPSHIRE ROSE GARDEN

WOLFEBORO, NEW HAMPSHIRE — As GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney continues his strident attacks on President Barack Obama (who is not a Mormon), a solitary reporter has learned that Bush Two's brain, Karl Rove, and casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, the most powerful pro-Israel fundraiser in the United States, have put together a joint venture, “Roses For Rich Guys,” a transparent attempt to bring a Rose Garden to Romney even before he is sworn in as president in January.

During Romney's mawkish address to his fellow Republicans on Thursday, Romney teared up as he told the indifferent delegates and the entire world about how his mother, Lenore Romney, learned of her husband, George Romney's, death when George's daily rose did not appear at her bedside.

This attempt to humanize The Bain Equity Miracle Man fell like a thud on the floor of the convention center in Tampa.

After that debacle, Rove and Adelson immediately began bundling millions from Wall Street super-millionaires, including NYSE CEO Sydney Williams, and airlifted an enormous rose garden to Romney's palatial residence here on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee. Now, Romney's New Hampshire rose garden, which lies on land stolen from the indigenous Pennacook Indians in the 18th century, is twice as large as the solitary reporter's one hundred acres of pristine woodland in Carroll County, New Hampshire, a mere thirty miles north of Romney's Palace.

“Brave and valiant friends,” Romney said to Rove and Adelson, “I really appreciate your gesture, but what I really need is for Netanyahu to get over here and kiss my a__, and for Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and their evangelical buddies, including Billy Graham, as well as Archbishop Charlie Chaput of Philadelphia, to go door to door for me.”

“You see, guys,” Romney continued, “I used to be a Mormon bishop, but my problem is, I need all the Catholic votes I can get, since every self-respecting Catholic except Paul Ryan is a Democrat; and Catholic voters simply cannot get their heads around a bishop who is not a Catholic.”

Rove and Adelson responded by telling Romney, "Boy, you have to be yourself, and since you really are a billionaire several times over, you need to augment that image."