ROMNEY RENAMES LABOR DAY

WOLFEBORO, NEW HAMPSHIRE  — On this Labor Day, Mitt Romney is getting ready to debate President Obama.

And his Tea Party buddies have received an award from Karl Rove's American Crossroads for making a fine art, as well as a blood sport, of screaming that Barack Obama is a thoroughgoing Socialist.

So it should come as no surprise that Romney announced only moments ago that as soon as he becomes president, he will abolish Labor Day and rename it Capitalist Day. Or, maybe Corporations Day. “After all,” Romney explained to a solitary reporter, “corporations are living, breathing people just like me.”

“The labor movement in this country died a long time ago,” Romney continued, “and the corpse of Big Labor has been rotting in the sun for a long time. It's time to give it a decent burial.”

National Funeral Directors Association CEO Christine Pepper then texted Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, saying, “Just as corporations are people, so are labor unions. This will not be a problem at all.”

“Only in the case of the labor unions,” Pepper continued, “we'll put a small amount of plutonium in their caskets, just to make sure we get the job done right.”