OBAMA SEEKS HELP FROM CAN MANUFACTURERS

BETHESDA, MARYLAND — Having just been re-elected to another four-year term, President Obama now has the unenviable task of persuading House Speaker John Boehner and his so-called friends in the Tea Party on how to keep the United States from falling off the much-heralded Fiscal Cliff.

Shortly after receiving the adulation of thousands of highly energized supporters who stayed up until the early morning hours on Wednesday to listen to his victory speech, Obama telephoned Boehner and his Republican counterpart in the Senate, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, and said, “Guys, let me be clear: we have to do something to keep our country out of hock to China.”

McConnell's immediate response was, “Look here, boy! It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and you want me to snap to, and do whatever you tell me to?”

Only slightly peeved that McConnell had hung up on him, Obama noticed that Boehner was still on the line. The two men then settled on a date to play golf at the Congressional Country Club here in Bethesda.

Earlier today, on the fairway, Boehner apologized for McConnell's rudeness, and confided to the president, “Mr. President, I need your help.”

“Michele Bachmann and her buddies are holding my feet to the fire, and I'm about to burn up. Do you think you could get the White House Fire Department to help me out here?”

Obama sank a hole in one, and said, “John, this is easy; don't sweat the small stuff.”

Using a cell phone handed to him by an aide, the president called Jay Timmons, the president and CEO of the Can Manufacturers Institute, and said, “Jay, I need for you to send 535 of your best cans and deliver them to the Capitol. Pass out one to each Senator and each Member of the House of Representatives.”

“Then tell them to just kick the can down the road.”

Flustered, Boehner made a double bogey, and, on his next drive, made a divot, at which point he received a text message from the EPA, telling him that he is required to file an environmental impact statement before he can meet the president for the next round of golf.