MORSI GRANTS ASYLUM TO ASSAD

CAIRO — Egyptian President Mohammad Morsi has granted asylum to embattled Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

As Russian President Vladimir Putin, Assad's principal ally, withdrew his support of the Syrian dictator, Assad, in desperation, tweeted Morsi.

“As one dictator to another,” Assad said, “and because Islam is a religion of hospitality, you have to do this, even though I am an Alawite.”

Morsi immediately dispatched his best American-made Egyptian Air Force plane to Damascus to pick up al-Assad. On the return flight to Cairo, al-Assad demanded that the pilot, Air Marshal Reda Mahmoud Hafez Mohamed, drop at least one bomb on the office of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “I've wanted to do that for a very long time,” Assad told Air Marshal Mohamed. As Mohamed released the bomb, Assad and Mohamed embraced, crying exultantly, “Allah Akbar!”

However, the bomb missed its target by over 100 miles and splashed down into the Mediterranean ten miles east of Cyprus.

Having thus escaped certain death, Netanyahu ordered the Israeli Defense Forces, from their positions on the Golan Heights, to march into Damascus, to be greeted and then interrogated by a solitary reporter acting under instructions from Defense Secretary Leon Panetta and President Obama. But Panetta, distracted by Iranian Air Force Brigadier General Hassan Shah-Safi's claim that he had personally captured an American drone which had illegally entered Iranian airspace, asked Obama to dispatch the solitary reporter to Tehran to arrange for the return of the drone. “That drone,” Panetta told Obama, “is equipped with a top-secret code designed to force the Republicans in Congress to jump off a political cliff. We have to get that drone back at any cost.”