McCONNELL ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT

WASHINGTON — Moments ago, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that he is retiring from the Senate, effective immediately.

“I've done enough damage to the Democrat Party to last for several generations,” McConnell explained to no one in particular. “It's time for me to rest on my laurels.”

But RNC Chair Reince Priebus bemoaned McConnell's announcement. “Once Mitch is gone,” he explained to a solitary reporter, “there goes any chance that the Grand Old Party could retake the Senate in 2014.”

In other news, researchers at Aberystwyth University, in the UK, revealed for the first time that William Shakespeare was prosecuted for tax evasion, and for hoarding grain during a time of famine and then selling it at inflated prices to the poor.

“Therefore,” said lead researcher Jayne Archer, “erudite readers of Shakespeare should redact the famous speech of Hamlet, “To be or not to be,” to read, instead, “To hoard or not to hoard.”