WHAT OBAMA AND XI DIDN'T AGREE ON

DENVER -- Now that your faithful solitary reporter has emerged from a seemingly endless sabbatical, the truth, the partial truth, and nothing except the unusually bizarre truth about last weekend's meeting between President Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping at an exrremely anti-Communist resort in Califronia can now be told, even though some folks will advise the solitary reporter to keep his mouth shut about his whereabouts last weekend.

Disclaimer: the solitary reporter has not visited Hong Kong since 1988, where, in the space of two days and two nights, he became fluent in Cantonese, and the only time he was in Iceland was when his airplane from London to Boston stopped in Reykjavík in the middle of the night in 1962. Not only that, the solitary reporter has no idea whatsoever how to play chess.

“My friend,” Obama said to Xi, “you see, I have a terrible problem with the execrable Republicans in Congress, who are preventing me from sending even more money into your State Treasury, draining jobs away from hard-working Americans.”

“So, let's make an extremely secret deal, only we will be informing Edward Snowden right away.”

“Your highly skilled intelligence operatives, the Chinese counterpart to our NSA, will simply take over the NSA from the NSA and Booz Allen Hamilton, because it is simply too expensive to operate, since its budget is known only to me and a few of my cronies, and politically I can't afford to be throwing away money like that, because the Real Agenda of my Second Term is to redistribute wealth in the Disunited States, just as your counterpart to our George Washington, Mao Zedong, did so unsuccessfully.“

“In return, you will return to us, by oceanic express, at least 666 of our biggest manufacturing plants, so that we can take a stab at achieving a true economic recovery.”

“Truth be told, Buddy, that would be the only effective stimulus for us.”

Evidently pondering the matter with a great deal of amusement, Xi replied, “Barry, I don't think so. Our hackers are simply having too much fun breaking into all your secret stuff.”