IN AN UNLEVERAGED BUYOUT, FIFA PURCHASES NFL

ZÜRICH  — Moments ago, as witnessed by a solitary reporter, right here in Zürich, the headquarters of soccer's governing body, FIFA, its president, Sepp Blatter, announced that FIFA has purchased the National Football League.

Blatter had a lot of explaining to do, but this is what he said.

“What with everything going on down there in Brazil, with the unruly, potentially violent protesters saying that their fellow Brazilians and football fans around the world should boycott the World Cup next year, we simply had to do something.”

“I mean,” Blatter continued, “world-renowned Brazilian football heroes like Pele and Ronaldo have been telling the Brazilian protesters to shape up, abandon their protests, and get on with their lives; this has scandalized the protesters, who, very stupidly, want hospitals instead of the World Cup in their country.”

“And that something was very easy to figure out, but difficult to put in place, but we did it.”

In the early 1970s, Blatter was elected president of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders, an organization which tried to stop women from replacing suspender belts with pantyhose. in 1998, he became FIFA's Chief Macho Man.

“Since 1892,” Blatter explained to the stupefied solitary reporter, “Americans have denominated that strange and very dangerous game, designed explicitly to produce life-threatening concussions and worse, as 'football,' knowing full well that the word is completely inappropriate, since in our much better game, FOOTBALL, the ball can only be advanced on the field by using the feet and the head.”

“We at FIFA,” Blatter continued, “have, for many, many years, chafed at the insistence of fans of American football to continue using that word, which should belong exclusively to us; therefore, it is my great pleasure to announce that FIFA has purchased the National Football League, simply to divert those dangerous protesters in Brazil from wanting to kick the World Cup out of their country.”

Outraged, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking from his office in New York, tweeted the solitary reporter, informing him that the NFL has filed a complaint against FIFA in the International Criminal Court.

In response, Blatter simply sneered, saying “The Americans are, as always, behind the times, trying to tell everybody else in the world what to do.”

Back in São Paulo, Brazil's comely president, Bettina Basanow, told the protesters to shape up and support her government, which would simply collapse if FIFA decides to hold the World Cup in Zürich instead.