PUTIN: MEDVEDEV'S OUT, SNOWDEN'S IN

MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin has replaced his prime minister, Dimitry Medvedev, with Edward Snowden.

Putin announced this development only in the presence of a solitary reporter, immediately after learning that President Obama has canceled his long-scheduled meeting with Putin here in Moscow, because Putin refused to do what his Russian Orthodox God told him to do in his sleep: send the traitor, Edward Snowden, to the United States to face the consequences of his treachery.

“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,” Putin explained to the solitary reporter. ”And treachery for treachery: you guys, SR, your President Kennedy --  should never have intimidated my close personal friend Nikita Khrushchev as he did back in 1962.”

“And for that very reason,” Putin continued, “I insisted that my operatives in South Florida tilt the 2000 election in favor of Bush Two.”

“I regard that as one of my most signal accomplishments.”

At the White House, Obama's spokesman, Jay Carney, said that the president is temporarily unavailable for comment because he is smoking a cigarette in the back room and drinking Stolichnaya vodka. “Wait once -- Barry might be drinking Absolut vodka instead -- the President is even more of an ideological absolutist than Putin.”

Meanwhile, here in the Kremlin, Prime Minister Snowden announced a plan to cripple the entirety of the United States' ability to do anything, “Because,” as the traitor explained, “if Americans cannot use their smartphones to order coffee at a Starbucks, the whole place is going totally downhill; there is absolutely no hope for the US anymore.”

“And, in case anybody has been wondering -- , yes, I've been a, well, uh, er, ah… let's just say that for many years I have been an admirer of… well -- since I've lost my American citizenship: Marx, Engels, Lenin, Stalin, and Putin.”

At the White House, Carney said that the president does not, at this very moment in time, care to make a comment about how he plans to have Vice-President Joe Biden interact with Snowden in his capacity as Russia's Prime Minister.