OBAMA'S TÊTE-À-TÊTE WITH BASHAR AL ASSAD

DAMASCUS — Only a day after delivering his triumphal (but not triumphalistic) reprise of MLK's “I Have a Dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial, President Obama, sans Michelle, Malia, or Sasha, flew here yesterday on an F-16 on an extraordinarily secret mission to make up with Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad.

“Bashar,” Obama said, as observed only by a solitary reporter, “I'm really sorry to have interrupted your private time with your very pretty wife, Asma; she's even prettier than Michelle is.”

“But here's what I can offer you,” Obama continued. “If you send your nukes, which you stole from Netanyahu, to Moscow and take out Putin and Snowden, I won't invade you.”

“But if you refuse, I can guarantee you, you are going straight down to Alawite Hell.”

“After all,” Obama, a 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, explained, “you Alawites follow some Christian practices, which automatically means that after my F-16 here kills you, you're going straight down there.” Obama purports to be a disciple of Martin Luther King Jr., who received the Nobel Prize for Peace in 1964.

But Assad, totally violating diplomatic protocol, shrugged his shoulders, flipped Obama the bird, and yelled “Allah Akbar” so loudly that the sound reverberated throughout his mammoth presidential palace.

At that point, Obama tweeted Charles Samuels Jr., Director of the Bureau of Federal Prisons, and told him to interrupt his plans to execute Major Nidal Hassan, put the rogue Army psychiatrist on Air Force One and send him immediately to Assad's presidential palace with strict instructions to take out the Syrian dictator, plain and simple.

In his tweet  to Samuels, Obama carefully explained that the majority of Shi'ites consider the Alawites to be heretics, “So that shouldn't be a problem for Hassan to kill this really bad guy who has been systematically massacring his own people.”

Obama then held a lengthy live conversation with CNN's Wolf Blitzer and thanked the American people for putting up with his dillydallying on Syria.

“After all, we took out Osama bin Laden, and this Assad has killed a whole lot more people than Osama ever did.”

The solitary reporter then secured Obama's escape to Jerusalem for a tête-à-tête with Netanyahu, with considerable help from the NSA, the FISA Court, the CIA (led by Ben Affleck), the FBI, the TSA, and scores of anonymous federal agencies.