FORMER VIKINGS STAR ALAN PAGE BUTTS HEADS ON CONCUSSION SETTLEMENT

MINNEAPOLIS — NFL Hall of Famer Alan Page, an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of Minnesota, was queried by a solitary reporter yesterday as to his opinion on the concussion settlement, announced yesterday, between the National Football League and the NFL Players Association.

“SR,” Page explained. “It's really very simple.”

"I know that you were a complete, total wuss at any kind of sports,” Page continued. “And since you are morbidly afraid of anything having to do with American football, let me explain a few things.”

“You have to be a brute to play football. That said, you also have to be smart.”

“Because I am big and black, and also extremely smart -- smart enough to get myself elected to the Minnesota Supreme Court -- well, when you're on the football field, the guy on the other side of the line, in a word, wants to kill you.”

“But I was really good at outsmarting those offensive linemen,” Page continued. “First of all, I was greatly offended when they used the N-word on me, right there on the line of scrimmage.”

“But because I was so much smarter than those bad-ass white guys, I always outsmarted them, and for every time they bashed my head, I did double duty on them.”

“In my brilliant career as a practicing attorney, it was my great pleasure to represent thousands and thousands of dumb-ass football players, who put the glory of their athletic prowess above their sanity.”

“Although I'm a birthright Democrat, I have no patience with those pansies who, pretending to be hurt, are constantly crying and pissing and moaning to the Players Association, which I used to run.”

“Look around, SR, and figure out how many of those of my very brutish football buddies are serving on any state supreme courts.”

“Come to think of it, SR, why don't you down to DC, walk into the U.S. Supreme Court building, and saunter into the chambers of Clarence Thomas?”

“He's a very gregarious man, like you, and he has an outrageously inflated view of his own virility, and he even has the gall to think that he has done good for our country.”

“The man is a traitor to his race, even more so than Tim Scott.”

“Just go in there, SR, and tell him to meet me at Vikings Stadium at 5 o'clock tomorrow morning.”

“Be sure to let the media know, especially Fox News.”

Meanwhile, Domonique Foxworth, the president of the National Football League Players Association, burst into Page's chambers at the Minnesota Supreme Court and tackled him just as he was mounting the bench to hear the case of Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty versus Minnesota US Senator and presidential wannabe Amy Klobuchar.

Pawlenty, a Republican, got his butt kicked by his fellow Minnesotan, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (TP-Minn.), in the Iowa Straw Poll of August 11, 2011, causing Pawlenty, arguably the most sensible GOP candidate for president in 2012, to drop out of the race. The Iowa Straw Poll is considered by all reasonable pundits to be the stupidest excuse for dragging presidential wannabes to Ames, Iowa, in the sweltering August heat, that was ever invented.

Klobuchar, Minnesota's senior senator, is being championed to succeed President Obama by Al Franken, the state's junior senator as well as Minnesota's best comedian after Garrison Keillor. Both are fervent and rabid members of the Minnesota Democratic Farmer Labor Party, which adheres to the simple proposition that farmers should be paid for their toil in the fields, and, in addition, that members of labor unions should be allowed to organize to protect themselves from abusive employers.

In his suit before the Supreme Court, Pawlenty accuses Klobuchar of being a Communist because she voted for Obamacare and because she supports the diligent and conscientious efforts of President Obama to get something done in Washington.

Ruling from the bench, Page and his colleagues on the Court, including Chief Justice Lorie Skjerken Gildea, who was appointed as Chief Justice by Pawlenty, voted to uphold an impeachment resolution against Pawlenty for being a jerk.