SYRIAN CRISIS RESOLVED

WASHINGTON — Syrian dictator Bashar al Assad has outdone himself, although, as it turns out, much to his regret.

For years now, Assad had assumed that Iran, guided by its Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, and his minion, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, were his allies and close personal friends in the Global War against the Great Satan, the United States.

But after learning that the new Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, had condescended to have a fifteen minute conversation with President Obama yesterday, Assad ordered his Minister of Defense, General Fahd Jassem al-Freij, to “do what needs to be done” to retaliate.

Syria's enormous military arsenal has long been known to the CIA and the NSA, and more notably to former presidential wannabe John McCain, the only question being whether there was a nuclear component.

This question was resolved moments ago when Assad triumphantly announced that he had nuked the Sa'adabad Palace, Rouhani's official residence in Tehran.

In instant retaliation, Maj. Gen. Hassan Firuzabadi, Commander of the General Command of Iran's Armed Forces, launched a nuclear counterattack, taking out the Qasr ash-Shaab, Assad's presidential palace.

Immediately, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney emerged from the deep bowels of the Situation Room, accompanied by Wolf Blitzer and a solitary reporter, saying, “Pretty cool, huh? The  so-called Syrian crisis has now been completely resolved, and we can thank not only the cool and decisive leadership of President Obama -- who, incidentally, has recently taken a lot of undeserved flak over his courageous handling of the Syrian situation -- but his newly established personal close personal relationship with President Rouhani.”

Carney also noted that the timing of these reciprocal nuclear attacks is very fortuitous, given the fact that the US government will run out of money at midnight on Tuesday, simply because the Tea Party resents the fact that Obamacare now provides affordable medical care to poor people.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, up for re-election next year, bemoaned the fact that Obama has now re-established his cred. “We'll have to think of something else to poke him with,” McConnell said. “But at the moment, I can't think of a single thing we can do to embarrass the President.”