GOP CHAIRMAN CONCEDES MIDTERMS (ALMOST)

WASHINGTON — Moments after CBS announced that Stephen Colbert will take over David Letterman’s Late Show earlier today, RNC Chair Reince Priebus was observed by a solitary reporter sobbing desperately on the fire escape outside the RNC’s headquarters, only three blocks east of the Capitol.

“With Colbert moving to prime time like that on CBS,” Priebus said, "this isn’t funny at all.”

“I mean,” Priebus continued, “Colbert looks exactly like the only demographic in which we are really interested, but appearances are deceiving: he’s one of the enemy.”

“We need to get one of us on Comedy Central now  —— maybe Ted Cruz. He’s always really good at making a damn fool of himself.”

But suddenly, Priebus perked up, when an aide ran up to him informing him that one of the Republicans’ favorite punching bags, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, has resigned. Immediately, Priebus began salivating at the prospect of destroying President Obama’s nominee to replace Sebelius: Office of Management and Budget Director Sylvia Matthews Burwell, because she is a lifelong Democrat —— and a Rhodes Scholar.