Trump Will Send Pence First to Turkey, Then to Antarctica to Cool Off His Christian Passions

RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — Donald Trump made it official yesterday: the super-Christian governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, is his Chosen Companion and Running Mate.

(Of course, Trump had read Thursday’s post from this apocryphal newspaper, in which your solitary reporter predicted that The Donald would pick Pence, so he figured he might as well pick Pence since the solitary reporter had seen it coming, just as the solitary reporter called it when Romney tapped Paul Ryan in 2012.)

However, The Donald wasn’t really sure that he wanted to do this, because, despite his numerous protestations of being devoted to Christ, the only entity to which he is devoted is His Self (Melania of course is one of his three vessels). Pence, by contrast, is a devoted Evangelical Christian, having strenuously proposed and passed legislation in The Hoosier State depriving women of the right to control their bodies; Pence also infamously insisted that his legislature pass homophobic legislation that he had to walk back from because of widespread opposition from the business community.

And, of course, Pence is himself certain to be unsure that he is doing the right thing — either — by agreeing to be third, fourth, or fifth fiddle to a man whom Colorado Inside Out’s David Kopel, of the Independence Institute, has called a psychopath.

With the solitary reporter observing closely here yesterday, Trump, although enthusiastically lifting up in (mock, as it turned out) celebration the diminutive Pence’ right arm, on closer examination, the real estate mogul was vigorously pressing his rock hard elbow into the governor’s ribs, and whispering, “Little Mikey, you’re nothing but window dressing, so from now forward, you don’t have a mind, you just do what Manafort and Kushner tell you to do.”

For his part, the governor, being a man who practices as many of the Christian virtues as he finds to be politically expedient, including humility, simply whispered back into the taller Trump’s ear, “Yes, Sir, Mr. Trump, whatever You say.”

“Good,” Trump said, “that’s a good start, boy.”

As soon as the public ritual was concluded, Trump told his campaign manager, Paul Manafort, “See here, Paul. Obama’s got this huge problem with Turkey: the dictator over there, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, wants Obama to extradite a reclusive Muslim cleric living in Pennsylvania, Fethullah Gulen, because Gulen and Erdoğan used to be allies but they split, and Erdoğan has been constantly telling his people and Obama that Friday’s failed coup over there was all instigated by Gulen. Meanwhile, Erdoğan has shut down our Air Force Base at Incirlik, just 60 miles north of Syria, and Incirlik is loaded with nukes that could wipe out Assad on a moment’s command from the president.”

“It’s totally obvious,” Trump continued, “Erdoğan only did that to pressure Obama to extradite Gulen.”

“So tell Little Mikey that as soon as John Roberts administers the oath of office to me, I’m gonna make Little Mikey My ambassador to Ankara, because the man knows even less about foreign policy than I do, and I know for damn sure that he’s gonna screw it up. Then, once he has disgraced himself, we'll simply send him down to Antarctica so he can cool off on his super-evangelical Christian passions.”

The solitary reporter immediately sped back to Denver to write up this report.

And the solitary reporter is putting the smart money on Lizzie Warren for Veep, because Lizzie will fire up the Bernie supporters; Tim Kaine’s considered to be too close to Wall Street, and Sherrod Brown, when Hillary wins, would be replaced by, guess who, the Buckeye State’s Republican governor, John Kasich.

There is, however, just one little problem: when Senator Warren becomes Vice President, her Republican successor, to be appointed by Massachusetts’ Republican governor, Charlie Baker, would be — guess who? Scott Brown, the Republican whom Warren handily defeated in 2012. What to do? By hook or by crook, Hillary (who is not crooked at all despite what Trump claims) will persuade Baker to appoint John

Kerry — who has gotten really tired of traveling overseas so much — to Warren’s seat. Easy? Sure thing.