Final Clubs at Harvard Provide Inspiration for Donald Trump to Punch Protesters

HARVARD SQUARE — Your solitary reporter has been toiling away for months, seeking to learn why Donald Trump is so totally wacko.

Now he knows.

Yesterday, the solitary reporter read a “fantastic” (a word which Mr.Trump frequently uses on the rare occasions when he likes somebody) report in The New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/07/education/edlife/are-final-clubs-too-exclusive-for-harvard.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=photo-spot-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news). 

In that article, Sarah Maslin Nir brilliantly demonstrates that the problem now facing Harvard University is the “final clubs” which for many years have been all-male bastions. They are, generally speaking, prestigious if one wants to hobnob with the powerful and potentially powerful. They are the functional equivalent of college fraternities and they have traditionally excluded women. They are secret, as fantastically documented in Ms. Nir's article, and have long stigmatized women. But now, Harvard University is forcing them to go coed, against stiff resistance.

As a callow sophomore at Harvard College when JFK was elected president, the solitary reporter was “punched” (vetted) by the Iroquois Club, then one of the final clubs. He is proud that he did not succumb to that blather.

So what in the world does any of this have to do with Donald Trump?

Señor Trump, a proud graduate of the New York Military Academy, did not go to Harvard. Instead, he went to the Wharton School of Business, because he knew full well that he wanted to become a billionaire and then run for president.

But if Trump had been punched by the Iroquois Club, or the Porcellian Club, or by any of the other final clubs at Harvard, he would undoubtedly have punched right back at whomever was punching him, and would immediately have been arrested for assault by the Massachusetts State Police and then incarcerated. Instead, The Donald wants to incarcerate 12,000 illegal immigrants and dump them over his Wall into Sonora.

Harvard’s president, Drew Gilpin Faust, told associate solitary reporter John Jones that she is “really, really glad” that Donald Trump did not go to Harvard. “Harvard,” she said, "has never admitted anyone who, as a political candidate, would eject a crying baby from a rally."

Elsewhere, in Janesville, Wisconsin, House Speaker Paul Ryan said that he is “utterly relieved and pleased” that Trump is not endorsing him in his primary challenge next week from a Tea Party candidate who supports Trump.