Assange Is Spirited Away to the Kremlin by Putin, Meets Up with Snowden

THE KREMLIN — Julian Assange has it in for Hillary Clinton.

Assange, an Australian who thinks he’s entitled to attack anybody he doesn’t like through his WikiLeaks Empire, has vowed to destroy the presidential candidacy of HRC.

So has Vladimir Putin.

Edward Snowden is in Moscow.

Much speculation has occurred recently in the political blogosphere about the relationship between Assange’s WikiLeaks and Putin.

Is Edward Snowden living in the Kremlin? What is known is that he is in Moscow…

Assange is wanted in Sweden for questioning on accusations of rape. Does he admire Donald Trump? In his total arrogance, he seems to be almost as narcissistic as Trump himself.

We sent associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones to Moscow to learn what she could about Putin and Snowden. We also sent associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith to the Ecuadorian embassy in London, where Assange has been holed up since August 2012. London’s police have surrounded the Ecuadorian Embassy ever since the notorious Aussie has been living there. Although the cost of the police presence has recently resulted in a diminution in their presence around the Ecuadorian embassy, the UK is still determined to extradite him to Sweden if he ever leaves the embassy.

As associate solitary reporter Larry Theis kept vigil outside the Ecuadorian embassy early this morning, he saw Smith pushing Assange off the balcony where he loves to talk about whatever pisses him off.

Theis, a former Olympic wrestling champion, caught Assange before any of the curious passersby or the police did, as Vladimir Putin, topless and wearing military gear, swooped in in a Mil Mi-24 Russian helicopter piloted by General Viktor Nikolaevich Bondarev, the Commander-In-Chief of the Russian Air Force. As the UK’s Prime Minister, Theresa May, looked on, Putin, a self-described manly man if there ever was one despite his diminutive stature, grabbed Assange from Theis’ arms and lifted him to the Mil Mi-24. Bondarev then skillfully piloted the MilMi-24 up and over the Thames to Kaliningrad, a Russian enclave between Poland and Lithuania in the Baltic Sea. Once settled in the Paraiso Hotel in Kaliningrad, Assange was warmly greeted by Snowden, the notorious former NSA contractor under indictment for patent violations of the Espionage Act.

Snowden and Assange gave each other high fives as they waited for their Aeroflot flight to Moscow.

After they settled in in their comfortable quarters at the Kremlin, Snowden, who is now helping Putin in his campaign to use cyberwarfare to throw the US presidential election to Trump, showed Assange his vast trove of stolen documents, which Snowden long ago turned over to Sergei Naryshkin, Putin’s Director of the Foreign Intelligence Service, while keeping a thumb drive for his personal use.

After being informed of Putin’s daring raid, Trump, with his third wife, Slovenian supermodel Melania, cheered wildly from Klai Kangwon Palace, 240 miles south of Bangkok, where he was visiting Thailand’s unpopular Crown Prince, Maha Vajiralongkorn.

“Now I’ve gotten Lyin’ Hillary right in my crosshairs,” Trump chortled, as Melania smiled while donning a bikini to show off to photographers. Melania has promised to attend state dinners at the White House in her capacity as First Lady in her sexiest outfits. “Isn’t Donald cute? And I really love being a trophy wife,” Melania earlier explained to associate solitary reporter Susan Smythe.