Where Is Weiner's Weenie?

BROOKLYN — Shortly after FBI Director James Comey announced yesterday that he’ll be reviewing even more of Hillary Clinton’s “damn emails” (Bernie Sanders’ words), Anthony Weiner went missing.

Seems that the former Congressman and twice-failed candidate for mayor of Gotham may have received emails about the conduct of our nation’s foreign policy which his wife, Huma Abedin, might have received from Secretary Clinton. Weiner is being investigated in connection with allegations of improper activities with a teenage girl.

Comey is a Republican with extensive experience as a federal prosecutor; he was appointed to be Deputy Attorney General under Bush Two. Director Comey announced on July 5 that he does not recommend that Mrs. Clinton be prosecuted for her extreme carelessness in keeping a private email server in her home while serving as Secretary of State. 

Since yesterday’s bombshell announcement, Comey has been lambasted by Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-California), the ranking member of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and by several former prosecutors, for yielding to intense pressure from GOP lawmakers, making his announcement —  a mere eleven days before the most consequential presidential election since 1964 —  that he needs to look at lots of emails which may or may not be significant to anybody except Republican politicians who have despised the Clintons for years.

With no interest in public policy, but with an enormous appetite for rabble-rousing, demagogic mega-billionaire Donald Trump — who bullied his way to the GOP nomination — has been hammering Mrs. Clinton over her email recklessness, since he has no interest in being elected president except to stir up even more resentment among frustrated and angry voters who have been messed over for years.

So we sent crack investigative journalist and associate solitary reporter Sophia Nowing to find Weiner so she could get the sex-crazed exhibitionist to tell the voters what his wife may or may not have shared with him about Mrs. Clinton’s emails. Before going to Weiner’s mancave, she watched the superb 2016 documentary, Weiner, which chronicles Weiner’s disastrous campaign for mayor in 2013. Abedin separated from the sexting king on August 29.

To Nowing’s horror, she found Weiner strapped to his bed with the part of his body most important to him missing. Weiner was bleeding and writhing in pain, so Nowing called New York’s Finest, who summoned an ambulance and carted off Ms. Abedin’s husband to Coney Island Hospital here in Brooklyn.

No word yet on where Weiner’s weiner or other related body parts are located.