Today, from his exclusive resort in South Florida, Donald Trump spoke on the phone with Turkey's dictator, Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Because Trump knows nothing about how to conduct foreign relations (other than telling his Slovenian wife what looks best on her), we asked associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones to listen to their conversation.
“Donnie boy,” Erdogan began, “If you don’t hand over my mortal enemy, Muhammed Fethullah Gulen, I will immediately close Incirlik Air Base in southern Turkey.”
Trump, perplexed by his Turkish counterpart’s aggressive and officious tone of voice, turned to Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner and asked, “What the hell is this dipshit telling me about some super expensive air base which, from the name of it — Incirlik — sounds to me like some damn plot to encircle my embassy?”
Kushner rolled his eyes but quickly told his father-in-law that Incirlik Air Base is in southern Turkey, far from the American Embassy in Ankara, and that whenever US warplanes initiate their bombing runs against ISIS in Syria, they take off from Incirlik.
“Daddy,” Kushner whispered, “Erdogan has got you by the coyones. Just do what he says.”
“Recep, old buddy, who the hell is this Gulen?”
“He’s the guy that started that coup against me in July of last year, when you were blathering all over the place about how you were going to make everything great again, but only in America, since you don’t give a shit about what happens outside your own damn country.”
Not knowing what to do, but wanting to please Erdogan at all costs, Trump told Erdogan that he has given firm orders to his military that the United States will stop supplying arms to Syrian Kurdish fighters who are resisting ISIS in Syria. Erdogan and his allies in Turkey consider most Kurds to be noticeably unfriendly to Turkey, but Kurdish Peshmurga fighters have been essential to the defeat of ISIS in Iraq.
Hocadendi (that’s an honorific) Gulen, 76 and ailing, has some 6 million followers of his Hizmet movement in Turkey. Gulen lives in the Poconos, in Saylorsburg, Pennsylvania, a metropolis of 1,126. Erdogan has convinced some of his Turkish sistren and brethren that Gulen is behind the coup and therefore purged tens of thousands of public servants and soldiers in the first week following the attempted coup, including judges.
To get out of the mess that he created, Trump yelled all the way to Foggy Bottom, about a mile away from his Oval Office, and told his besieged Secretary Of State, Rex Tillerson, to go up to the Poconos, grab Gulen, and take him to Ankara.
Which is why Tillerson resigned only five minutes ago. Associate solitary reporter Mohammed Aziz, an expert on US relations with Middle Eastern nations, said that Trump will never be able to visit Turkey even if he wants to, and that he’ll never be able to achieve even a modicum of peace in the Middle East as long as Kushner is in charge of achieving peace between the Palestinians and the Israelis.