Our far-flung corps of associate solitary reporters is grossly overworked.
As the nation's outrage has erupted into the inevitable push to impeach Donald Trump, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones has gotten very little sleep.
And remember, AP fans, she is a gorgeous 25-year old African American woman who is with Trump 24/7, and she is always aware that Trump will try to grope her at any moment.
Trump said today that he would release an unredacted transcript of his conversations with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky (who, like Trump, had absolutely no qualifications for the job).
It was in those conversations in which he bullied Zelensky into digging up political dirt against Joe Biden, using American taxpayer money as a bribe, consisting of badly needed millitary aid.
But ASR Jones is well aware that most of what comes from Trump’s mouth is lies.
That’s why, mere moments ago, she stood right behind Trump and Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney as Trump instructed Mulvaney to “fix” the transcript so it would exonerate him from Democratic charges which will unavoidably lead to impeachment.
While the heavily redacted transcript will be released tomorrow, associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, who covers Congress for us, has just spoken with Colorado’s junior senator, Cory Gardner, the youthful-looking Republican from Yuma, in Colorado’s Eastern Plains.
“Melissa,” Gardner began, “as you know, after the Hollywood Access tape came out in October 2016, I resolved not to vote for Trump, but then I quickly fell in line and became part of Senate leadership, at the invitation of the greatest Senate mastermind since LBJ, and that is the Very Honorable Mitch McConnell, our great, great Senate Majority Leader.”
"There are some eleven Democrats trying to unseat me,” Gardner continued, "including former Governor John Hickenlooper, who’s been anointed by Schumer & Company’s Democrat Senate Campaign Committee.”
“They all think I’m so vulnerable, just because Colorado voted whole-heartedly for Democrats in the mid-terms, with every Democrat running for State-wide office winning.”
“So, Melissa, after considerable thought, and a small amount of prayer, I’ve decided that when the House votes to impeach Mr. Trump, I will vote with the Democrats. It’s the only way I can possibly hope to be re-elected."
When ASR Smith texted Colorado GOP Chair Ken Buck with this information, Buck, though initially stunned, had a quick reaction.
“We’re done with Cory,” Buck said. “He’ll never get our endorsement for re-election; in fact, I’m gonna run to replace him."