Ironically, conspiracy theorists who insist that today Donald Trump will reoccupy the White House probably don’t realize that the last time that a President was inaugurated on March 4, it was FDR, who took the Oath (but not administered by the Oath Keepers) on the East Portico of the United States Capitol on that day in 1933.
The Oath Keepers and the Proud Boys would never be supportive of anything done by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt — yet they insist that on this day, in the Year of Our Lord Twenty Twenty One, Donald Trump will be re-inaugurated.
So we asked our Chief HIstory Expert, associate solitary reporter Lewis Thompson III, the never immoderate Moderator of the Unitarian Universalist Association, to look into the reasons why the Oath Keepers and the Proud Boys could be even wronger than they usually are.
“SR,” Thompson began, “the Proud Boys have nothing to be proud of at all, especially since they are not Unitarian Universalists like you and me.”
Thompson, whose office is located in the Warehouse District of Boston at 24 Farnsworth Court, and our DC-based associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman, marched fourth to the Capitol, where they were the only journalists stationed on the West Steps of the Capitol today as Trump, a very obese 74 year old lunatic, tried to claw his way up the marble exterior of the Capitol, just as his numerous acolytes did on January 6.
Major General William Walker, an African American who commands the District of Columbia Naitonal Guard, was the first soldier to grab Trump as he tried to topple the iconic Freedom Statue from the top of the Capitol.
“Donnie boy,” Walker told Trump, “just as Janis Joplin said, 'freedom’s just another word for nothin' left to lose,' and you’ve never been a Leftist anyway, and Bernie Sanders would never demean himself to share a stage with you.”
As Trump spluttered away, begging General Walker to let him grab Melania’s hand one last time, Walker led him staight to the DC Armory, east of the Capitol, in chains. From there, Trump was flown by a DC National Guard helicopter straight to the top of Trump Tower in Manhattan (after a brief detour to Ghana) where he'll remain for forty days and forty nights with only Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley trying to rescue him.